Pregnancy After Infertility
Hard to believe, but a year ago we were facing the possibility of never having children. Today, I’m 9 months pregnant with our little girl <3
The journey to get here was anything but easy. They say pregnancy after loss, or after infertility, hits different.
And I can definitely say, I believe that’s 100% true.
I remember seeing the positive test, and then not being able to breathe until the blood test… which reassured me for about 24 hours and then I held my breath again for the next test. And the next appointment… and the first ultrasound, and the second, and the third…
Basically, living with baited breath for each and every milestone. When she started kicking, I lived for every kick (I still do sometimes if I’m being honest).
Every test, every appointment, every time they check the heartbeat, every ultrasound – you live and breathe for those moments. Just to know your baby is healthy and okay. You’re fine for a day or so.
And then you’re back to worrying:
What if I didn’t eat enough today? Why don’t I feel the morning sickness today? Does that mean something’s wrong? My cat jumped on my stomach – is the baby okay? I forgot to take this supplement – will things be okay? I haven’t felt the baby move in a while – is she okay? I went over a bump in the road – is everything fine? Is this meat cooked all the way through? Why didn’t I look up whether I could eat this before I ate it? What if it’s bad for my baby? Why, when virtually every test I’ve had has come back incredibly well, do I feel like something is going to go wrong? What if, for some unknown reason, she’s just not okay and I can’t tell?
You get the point. Anything and everything can send you spiraling out of control into a pit of anxiety and fear. Even, and sometimes especially, irrational things.
Despite everything going perfectly in this pregnancy, I still had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind.
“When is it going to stop going well?”
Others have said that infertility comes with trauma. I believe it. I don’t think I’d be this anxious or stressed if we had gotten pregnant immediately upon trying. I realized that others who didn’t share my experience weren’t nearly as stressed, whereas I was Googling EVERY little thing.
I know the anxiety I felt then (and even now) is mostly irrational (and even potentially a spiritual attack)… Because as soon as something comes up to take its place, the original thing I was worried about ceases to matter. It’s always the latest thing. That also helps, but doesn’t make it feel less real.
About halfway through, I hit a breaking point. I remember sitting in our basement with my husband (Erik), and crying. I told him it just felt like EVERYTHING was all on me. I have to eat right. I have to drink enough water every day. I have to take a walk or exercise every day. I have to make sure I don’t eat anything I’m not supposed to. I have to pay attention to her movements to make sure she keeps kicking. There’s so much that needs to be done… and I am the only person who can do it.
It all falls on ME.
I….I….I….me…me…me. And oh yeah – don’t be anxious or stressed out because THAT is bad for the baby too. So just stop doing that.
And nonetheless, I sat there, exhausted, stressed, and anxious. Sobbing.
Up to this point, Erik had always just prayed for me when I had mini anxiety attacks or was feeling stressed, and offered to do anything he could to help. But that night, he said something I desperately needed to hear.
“Okay this needs to STOP. It’s NOT all on you. I’m here too, and God has been in control the whole time, and He still is. It’s NOT up to you – it’s up to God. So all of this just needs to STOP right NOW.”
It sounds mean, but it was just what I needed to stop my anxious thoughts in their tracks.
He was right. I was relying all on myself. I had forgotten how powerful my God is. After holding me some more and promising he was in this with me as well and I wasn’t alone, Erik prayed for me. And I can honestly say, it was a turning point.
That didn’t mean I stopped struggling with anxiety… far from it. But I was better equipped to fight it. And I have an absolutely amazing husband who fights for me daily as well. And I’m learning to trust God more and more.
Even still, I hit another turning point recently – we were praying for an extended period of time, and I felt God tell me something along the lines of, “You don’t have to be perfect – let me be perfect and you just be and do your best, which is enough for me.”
Sounds simple. And obvious. But I needed to hear it.
Since then, I’ve leaned even more on God’s help. The attacks come still, but they don’t have as much power over me. If they do, they’re quickly squashed. It seems like only when you truly surrender everything to God do you actually win the war you’ve been fighting. Amazing what happens when you stop trying to do it all on your own and let God fight for you.
Huge shout out to my husband, who has been through every little thing with me, never made me feel dumb for bringing up my worries, and has always stopped and prayed for me whenever I needed him to (as have SO many others – thank you!!!).
…And has been the one to say “yes that’s dumb – you’re overthinking it.” when I need to hear that haha.
But most importantly, Erik has pointed me to God again and again and again, and that’s always what I need most.
So as we prepare for this birth, I’m placing everything in God’s hands and working on fully surrendering everything to Him.
I’m not perfect by any means and I never will be. I don’t think I’ll ever stop getting these anxiety attacks. But I don’t have to let them win – and I don’t have to be perfect.
Because my God is perfect.
And that’s enough.
Until next time,
Hope Anderson
