How To Find “The One” – What You Should Look For
I hesitated to write that title, because it could most definitely be considered click bait.
Why? Because finding the perfect spouse is impossible, and I don’t believe in finding “The ONE” despite it’s extreme popularity amongst Christians (especially Christian homeschoolers). There are thousands of people who are compatible with you, and sifting through all of them to find the magical “one” would take decades. As my amazing fiancé often quotes from podcasts: Eventually, you’re just picking your problems.
The subtitle is more accurate and reasonable. I was always raised to look for certain characteristics in a spouse and to value those characteristics above looks, personality, etc. I am also blessed with incredible parents who modeled what an amazing wife and husband should look like. I am forever grateful to them for their example and for raising me to value the right things in a future spouse.
That said, I never felt qualified to write on what characteristics to look for in a spouse until now, and I still might not be qualified since I haven’t been married yet and have only been engaged for 2 and a half months. However, I wanted to shed some light on the mystical phrase, “when you know, you know.”
Because when I was single, I had a love-hate relationship with that phrase.
I loved it because it sounded fairy-tale-like and dreamy, but I hated it because it was colossally unhelpful. I mean, what was that supposed to mean, exactly? How do you know that you know? Unfortunately, now that I have allegedly found my “one” (almost literally as per The Matrix, since I’m marrying a Mr. Anderson 😛 ), I’m going to give the same answer.
You just know.
However, although it’s impossible for me to explain how it FEELS to find your spouse, I can explain what to look for to make sure you’re on the right track. I’m basing this off of years of being told these things by my parents, other couples who I highly respect and have been married for many years, and from listening to a ton of podcasts. All of these things are traits that I value incredibly highly in my future spouse, Erik, and are huge reasons why I said “yes” when he asked me to be his wife.
I’m going to write from my point of view as a woman, but please know the genders can (typically) be flipped in all of these examples for characteristics you should look for in a spouse. These are extremely important because they (unlike looks) are the things that are going to last for years to come.
So here we go.
You may have “found the one” if they have these traits:
1 – Pursuing Godliness
Is the guy or gal you are interested in willing to say that they value their relationship with God above all else? Including you? If not, that is a major red flag. In the end, if you both are relying on each other to hold the other up, your relationship will have nothing to fall back on when both of you fail (and you will, as you are both human). There has to be a common ground of faith for any relationship to last.
2 – Honesty/Integrity
Are they who they say they are? Do they say one thing around you and another thing around others? Maybe you don’t ever see them lie to you, but they lie to others…watch out, because someday, if you get married, you’ll be family and they’ll lie to you too. Look for integrity in the little things, even if they seem ridiculous to most people, because that’s a sign that they will be faithful in the big things. This is especially important to look for in the beginning. Are they willing to stand up for what they believe in, or tell you things about their past and/or present, even if it runs the risk of ruining the relationship?
3 – Character
I wrote a post about the difference between character and integrity many years ago, and you can read it here. They are very different. Integrity is restraining from doing the wrong thing, and character is taking action to correct wrongdoing. Look for someone to spend your life with who gets uncomfortable when there’s wrongdoing going on, and takes action to stop it. You want a spouse who is willing to fight for what’s right, even if it is unpopular or difficult…and even when it could have painful consequences.
4 – Respect
This might go without saying, but ladies…if the guy you’re interested in wants to do things he shouldn’t do before there’s a ring involved, that’s an immediate red flag. Find someone who respects and loves you enough to treat you like a child of God above all else, knowing you first belong to God before them. If they say “if you love me, you will do this thing for me” before they’ve committed their life to you, run. Another thing to watch is, how do they treat their family (siblings, parents, friends, etc)? Because someday you might become family and they will treat you like they treat their current family now.
5 – Selflessness
This is a big one as well. Look for the little ways in which the person you’re interested in interacts with others. Do they seek to put others ahead of themselves, or do they take those opportunities to be selfish and indulge in themselves? And it doesn’t count if they are being selfless towards you. Watch how they serve (or don’t serve) their family and close friends….And watch how they choose to treat people who cannot pay them back. That small point in and of itself will tell you a lot about your potential future spouse.
All of these things are, in my opinion, incredibly important in finding a spouse. But not only are they important characteristics to find in someone else, they are also important traits for you to develop yourself. As the saying goes…
Work to become the kind of person that the person you are looking for is looking for.
Your single years are the BEST years to develop yourself. I am beyond grateful that I took advantage of the years I didn’t have a significant other to become the best version of myself. I’m going to be constantly growing for my whole life, but I am so thankful I started that process years before I met Erik.
I’m not a relationship expert…so I thought it might be a good idea to state why I wrote this post. First, I was hoping to shed some light on the frustrating phrase of “when you know, you know.” And also, to hopefully inspire others with my story…as limited as it is at the moment.
Second, I really do want to brag on my incredible future husband.
Not in a “oh look at me…I found someone amazing,” and not as a way to flaunt my relationship….
But more of a, “here is a really amazing guy who has worked so hard to be where he is, and I am so incredibly blessed to have him by my side.”
Compiling this list was easy for me to do, because all I had to do was think of the traits Erik has and write them down. Erik is all of those things, and so much more. I was watching for those characteristics in him while we were dating, and once I knew he had them, and I realized how much fun I had when I was around him, and that he was passionate about the same things I was….there was no denying I’d found the man I had dreamed about….Because he is my dream guy, and so much more.
Erik has told me time and time again that I am his 2nd priority. Which, at first, sounds really bad. But his #1 priority is God alone, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He has absolutely impeccable character and integrity, he respects me insanely well, and he’s constantly looking to serve me and others above himself. He’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine living my life without him 💖
I’ve said this many times before, but I will say it again. The world would be a much better place if there were more men like Erik Anderson in it 🙂
So to anyone reading this blog post…. I want you to know:
First – I belong to the most amazing man in the world. I am incredibly proud of him for who he is as a person, his passion, and his incredible heart. I love and respect him so much and am so blessed he’s mine! And I’m not gonna lie, I have been looking forward to being able to unashamedly brag about how awesome my man is for years, even before I met Erik 😉 (Again – not in a prideful way, but as a way to build him up and show him off 🙂 ).
Second, don’t sell yourself short. Waiting for the right person with amazing character and a Godly heart is so worth it.
You are worth way more than settling for less than the best.
I promise you won’t regret it!
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Until next time,
Hope Frances
