Didn’t Know I Was Closer

I’m going to write about one of the scariest times of my life. 

2 years ago in March – March 2021 – I faced the terrifying possibility of losing someone I loved.

At first, I wasn’t incredibly worried. Several people we had known had gotten Covid and had been fine… as long as you didn’t have any underlying health conditions, it was supposed to be over and done with. For the vast majority of people I knew, it was just like having a cold.

Since I wasn’t living at home, my mom was keeping me updated on the family situation via text – they were all okay despite all four of them testing positive. My siblings really didn’t even have any symptoms and were just bored from quarantine. 

My mom had a cold, but she was managing well. From her messages, I gathered my dad was having a pretty rough go of it, but it wasn’t anything serious. 

Then one day she texted our family chat:

“We’re going to take dad in to the hospital… his oxygen levels have dropped below normal. Nothing serious – we’re just going to get him some extra oxygen.”

Naturally, my level of concern ticked up a few notches. I started praying right away. But the thoughts still kept going through my mind, as if to telepathically keep anything bad from happening:

“My dad is a runner – he’s got great lungs – and he’s very healthy. No underlying conditions. Nothing. He’ll be just fine.”

Whenever our entire family gets really sick (even throwing up and such), my dad never does. He’d always tell me growing up “I never get sick” – and he didn’t! He was never scared of germs when the rest of us were terribly ill and would always take care of us.

But it was soon evident that Covid had knocked him down pretty hard – despite all the odds being in his favor. After all… they never said if you have no underlying symptoms that your chances of getting Covid were zero… just very slim. Well some people have to fall into the “lucky” 1-2% (or whatever the stat is), and unfortunately, my dad did.

They didn’t even let my mom into the hospital (Covid rules at the time), and he was in the hospital for about 10 days. None of us could visit. I can imagine my family felt like I did: helpless.

We got to see him via a video chat system they had set up at the hospital… I think my mom was on it constantly. My dad was on oxygen, and every day was a struggle. 

All the thoughts of “oh but something like this would never happen to MY family” were gone. It was happening. I was terrified. Every day I faced the possibility that I might lose my dad. My best friend growing up. He is one of the people I’m closest to in the entire world, and the thought of losing him threatened to tear me apart inside. 

Erik, my now husband, and I were just dating at the time – we had been waiting for my family to have recovered from Covid before getting engaged. During this very scary time, Erik was over at my apartment pretty much all the time… hugging me, taking care of me, and most importantly, praying with me. We set up a prayer system – praying every 2 hours either in person or over the phone. I’m not sure if I could’ve made it through as easily without him with me, and I’ll always be incredibly grateful to him <3

But even with Erik with me all the time, my world still felt like it was spinning out of control. I remember one day… talking to my dad on video chat, fighting tears because I knew I could never survive losing him. He looked at me and said “you’re not going to lose me.” And I just lost it. And I prayed he was right.

My whole life, I had dreamed of my dad walking me down the aisle at my wedding… holding my children (his grandchildren), and there were countless other memories I had with him from when I was little up until then. I’m tearing up just remembering how scared I was. Every day, I was sobbing and praying that God would let me see him at least one more time, and that he would be able to give me away at my wedding and see my children someday.

The weight of the pain was so immense, that working and functioning in my everyday life became almost impossible. One night, I was on my bedroom floor, just sobbing. Angry with God. 

“I CAN’T lose him! I just CAN’T!” I said in between sobs. It felt like my heart was being torn apart. “I would miss him so much…the pain would be unbearable.” I tried to make it clear to God that not having my dad was not an option – that He needed to heal him soon. 

As if I could just tell God what to do…ha.

Then I remember, so distinctly, the thought popped into my head (and it wasn’t from me).

“Will you let me have this?”

Seemed like a silly thing to ask… wasn’t everything ALWAYS in God’s hands anyway? This is what I wanted – for my dad to be healed – didn’t God care about my desires?

But I felt like He wanted me to release everything from within my heart… to bring me closer to him. And I realized (through many tears) that if His plan involved me never seeing my dad again, that He would use it for good…somehow. Even if I couldn’t see it. And that I would be okay… even if I didn’t understand how, and even if my definition of “okay” was different than God’s.

A song I had on repeat at that time was “Fires” by Jordan St. Cyr. The lyrics go like this:

You’ve walked me through fires
Pulled me from flames
If You’re in this with me
I won’t be afraid

When the smoke billows higher, oh and higher
And it feels like I can barely breathe
I’ll walk through these fires
‘Cause You’re walking with me

I knew he didn’t need me to surrender anything for HIS sake… but for mine. And that if He was with me, I knew I could walk through anything. I knew it was also true that he cared very deeply about my heart’s desires. I have no idea why this realization gave me so much peace, but it did. 

So I prayed…

“Okay…I trust you. I trust you with whatever outcome you choose. And I trust that if you chose to take my dad away, that you’ll take care of me no matter what. But this is my deepest desire – to see and hug my dad again and have him in my life for many more years. That is the deepest desire of my heart right now.”

It wasn’t easy at all. But the wave of peace that washed over me after that was unmistakable. I still felt completely out of control, but instead of feeling hopeless, I felt covered by God’s protection. I felt that no matter what happened, I would make it through. 

That didn’t mean the remaining few days my dad was in the hospital were easy – they weren’t. But I was secure in knowing that whatever happened, God in His perfect wisdom was directing the best path forward for me and my dad.

2 days later, my dad got to go home from the hospital. And a few weeks after that, he was healed. 

PRAISE GOD!

And 5 months later, he walked me down the aisle and gave me away in marriage to my incredible husband, Erik <3

Today is his birthday… and this post is in dedication to him, his faith, his incredible example to me growing up, and for being the most amazing father I could ever have asked for <3 Thank you for all you are to me, and for teaching me to love Jesus so I could have a strong enough relationship with God to make it through something like this. You’re an incredible father and husband and I look up to you so much!

I know not every story like this has such a happy ending… I’m well aware that many others had a different experience with Covid. Loved ones who had everything going for them health-wise and still got hit hard…and even died. I even have a young friend who is no longer with us… because his story had a different ending than my dad’s. 

This post isn’t meant to provoke hurt, but for me to be vulnerable in my struggle. In fact, as I was writing this, I’ve been debating on whether or not I should post it…

But if God is willing to use my story to bring peace in an impossible situation, I’m willing to share and trust that He will speak to others in His special way. 

This situation didn’t turn out the way it did because of me. It’s NEVER because of me and my strength. It was ALL because of Him and it always will be. 

No matter what I face, no matter if I feel prepared or not – God is always with me and He’s always prepared. I pray I’ll never ever forget that!

I found this song by Anne Wilson recently (called “Closer to God”), and it captures SO beautifully what was happening to me while my dad was in the hospital (emphasis mine):

I had to lose hope to finally stop runnin’
And I had to feel alone to learn that I wasn’t

In every hour that felt too dark
In every moment He felt far
Every time I felt like He forgot
Didn’t know I was closer to God
In every valley, He walked with me
He sealed my future, set me free
In every place I felt lost
Didn’t know I was closer to God

In every moment I feel alone, whenever I think everything is dark… It usually means I’m closer to God, and can’t see it. I believe He’s always right there with me…and you.

Especially when it feels like He’s anywhere but.

Until Next Time,
Hope Anderson (Szymanski)